The Perfect Umbrella

I've owned a full-sized umbrella for a while (it's really more than full-sized, with a generous five foot diameter), and haven’t used it much, never having understood the widespread fear of water. Tonight, I took it for a long walk in a drizzle, and was awed by the superb balancing, the light, sure, comfortable grip, and the rock solid build quality of this thing. It was so aerodynamically balanced that I could nearly let go of the grip. I wondered where I'd gotten it, figuring it was a splurge, and googled the product number I'd found on a little tag at the center. Turns out it's this $5 Home Depot item, a "golf umbrella" or whatever.

I may buy three more, just as backups.

This is exactly the sort of item that will vanish one day, leaving behind nothing but Chinese-made crap and pricey hipster fetish options, and the Internet will echo with people bemoaning its unavailability. The great five dollar umbrellas you used to be able to get at Home Depot before everything turned to shit.

Costco sold white men's athletic socks two decades ago which hordes of aggrieved guys have mourned for years; to this day, entire web communities are devoted to sussing out alternatives, which inevitably disappoint.

Biggest irony: customers at Homedepot.com give it four stars! Anyway, when this umbrella is no longer around, and you never bought a few, don't blame me.

Maybe I should buy a hundred, and sell them @ $30 one day.