Truffle Oil: $650/incident
Truffle Fries: $650/incident and 30 day time-out from serving potato products
Burrata: $8/plop
Gluten Free: Lose license to operate a food business
Advertising Intrinsically Gluten-Free Foods as “Gluten Free”: One toe per incident
Lattes: Non-crippling micropayment
Non-dairy Milk: Non-crippling micropayment
Non-dairy Milk Lattes: Temporary closure until corrected
Nutella: Temporary closure until corrected
Wraps (wrapping itself ok. Calling it “wrap” not ok): $45
Ghost Pepper: $3000 (you can afford it)
“Spritz of…”: $3000 (you can afford it)
Lobster Mac and Cheese: 150 work hours at a lobster fishery
“Hard” anything: Water boarding (each violation increased 10 secs)
Pumpkin Spice: Hair shearing, naked public marching
Himalayan Sea Salt: $3000 (you can afford it)
Gratuitous Bacon: Ineligibility for health insurance coverage
“Plant-Based”: $3000 (you can afford it)
“Plant-Based” meaning lots-of-mushrooms: Above, plus mandatory semester of community college biology (mushrooms are not plants)
Salted Caramel: $3000 (you can afford it)
Any Use of “Rum” Other Than Actual Rum: $9/incident
Zucchini Noodles: Non-lethal strangulation (lethal if called “Zoodles”)
Mint Leaves in Italian Cookery: Three-generational execution (parents, children, self) SEE ILLUSTRATION A
Making a Big Goddam Deal Over Ramps, Rather Than Just Using Ramps: Sliding scale based on bigness of deal
Boneless Wings: Compulsory consumption of one McDonald’s McNugget per incident
Use of “Yummy” on Menu: Sedation
Chia Seeds (outside of SEA drinks): 5¢/seed
Keto/Paleo: $50, plus compulsory testing for performance-enhancing drugs
“Natural”: Eye bleaching
“Local”: Ankle bracelet restricts movement perimeter < 500 yards
“Loaded”: Harrison Bergeron treatment
Soup Dumplings in Non-Shanghai Restaurants: Non-lethal scalding
Soup Dumplings in Non-Chinese Restaurants: Aggressive finger-trapping
“Bites”: One minute per menu incident with arm locked in mosquito-filled box
Sriracha Aioli: $3000 (you can afford it)
Illustration A: Italian stuffed artichoke with mint leaves at Lilia. Unspeakable.
Apart from Salted Caramel, that's delicious, I completely agree.
ReplyDeleteWere the artichokes good though?
ReplyDeleteI’m talking three generational assassination and my feeling still strikes you as ambiguous?
ReplyDeleteI'm going to try it at home.
ReplyDeleteWhy not try something lower risk, like jumping a motorcycle over a canyon?
ReplyDeleteI didn't enjoy my two meals at Liilia several years ago and comment on their artichokes, but one of my favorite Sicilian dishes, zucchini scapece, is basically zucchini, garlic, vinegar and mint. I've had it often in Italy (it's also seems to be part of the Italian jewish cuisine). There is not really an "Italian cuisine" -- there are 50 or more regional cuisines, so I wouldn't paint with the broad brush you used. I can't tell you what they use it for, but fresh mint is always available at the Mercato Sant' Ambrogio in Florence.
ReplyDeleteP.S. your penalty for truffle oil is far too low.
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ReplyDeleteThere is not really an "Italian cuisine" -- there are 50 or more regional cuisines, so I wouldn't paint with the broad brush you used
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The "broad brush" being my use of the term "Italian cookery"? Wow, tough crowd!
Note that what you say is true of not only Italy, but literally everywhere. By same token, we mustn't use terms like Mexican cuisine, Thai cuisine, etc etc. And yet we do, and must, because generalities, however ill-fitting, ensure we have time to work, sleep, and eat and don't just stand there neurotically shaving each verbal construction to its greatest possible precision and specificity. Humans think categorically, thogh categories of nearly any sort are always a cheat. In fact, those 50 regional cuisines are overly broad brushes, as well. The people in the hilly part of town use less oregano.
What penalty do you suggest for truffle oil?
I remember when “wraps” exploded on the deli scene in the 90s. They seemed to come from nowhere and to confuse the people selling them as much as their customers. But they quickly edged out knishes and somehow they persevere to this day.
ReplyDeleteIs that true about knishes?
ReplyDeleteI agree with everything you mentioned except buratta. I had fresh homemade burstta years ago before it became trendy and widely available packed in water. I’m not sure what that mozzarella cheese with a runny center is but it is not buratta. The real thing is sublime.
ReplyDeleteSure, but, as you note, burrata then is not burrata now.
ReplyDeleteTrue, unless you make it yourself which I am too lazy to do. Sigh.
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