Staying in My Lane

When I learned to say "peht mahk mahk"—with a relatively convincing Thai accent, to boot—I thought my spice problems in Thai restaurants would be over. But the very first time I swaggered in screaming this phrase, and my waiter giggled in surprise, I was brought spiceless curry.

Why?

Because "Americans don't like spicy."

"Do Americans who've taken the trouble to learn to ask for spicy heat in Thai also 'not like spicy'?"

No answer possible, no answer proffered. Gears shifted, he promised me that next time, it would be spicy.

"What if you're not working?"

"Just tell the waiter you want it spicy"

"I just told you I wanted it spicy, in Thai!"

For the sake of Jesus, Mary's lambs, and all the king's horses, I honestly give up.

But I never do, do I?

Nepalis have taken over a nearby pizza/kebab joint. I chatted with the new owner last week, running through my many favorite Nepali dishes that are, alas, not preparable in a pizza and kebab joint. And today I walk in, am greeted warmly, and ask for "tzzia", the Nepali term for milk tea.

"Peht mahk mahk" is pretty obscure, but let me give you an idea of how much more improbable it was for me to ask for tzzia. A Bhutanese friend of the owner hangs out there, and even he doesn't say it right. When I ordered, he quizzically repeated it back to me from across the dining room. I corrected him until he finally achieved the not-quite-"ch", not-quite-"t" initial consonant.

That's how rare this is.

Also: I watch mountain climbing videos for fun (dog grooming when feeling even less aspirational), and haven't seen a single Everest climber order tea correctly, even ones who spend tons of time in Nepal. There is a serious possibility that I'm the only non-Nepali not living in Nepal who pronounces this word correctly. I am a fricking unicorn.

The milk tea arrives. It is low in sugar, and spiced all wrong. I figure the guy just doesn't know how to make it.

Afterwards, I pay, and he asks me, guardedly, how I liked it. Just as guardedly (not wanting to insult), I let it be known that the half dose of sugar and the use of cardamon as the sole flavor were not what I'm used to.

Shocked surprise flashes across his face. Woah. This guy wants it the real way.

What a surprise, right?

Once again, I give up. For today, anyway. There's a particularly rowdy Jack Russell Terrier who’s about to be shaved, gotta go.