Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.

Maybe it's just me, but this list of imaginary medicines from Stephen Colbert made me laugh harder than anything I've seen in a couple years. Beautifully written comedy (comedy, at its best, is the equal of poetry in its careful, knowing subtleties of word selection and rhythm).

I'll quote liberally, but there's a lot more at that link (and it's all good):
Vaxadrin – The only weight loss pill recommended by Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.

side effects:
Dry Mouth
Severe Weight Loss
Restless Leg Syndrome
Restless Arm Syndrome
Restless Torso syndrome
Massive weight gain

Children’s Vaxadrin – It’s guaranteed to grow strong, healty teeth. Often in your mouth!

side effects:
Mild Hulkism
Diet Cherry Vanilla Vaxadrin

Vaxadrine – From the makers of Vaxadrin

side effects:
Phantom Hand Syndrome
Vivid dreams of self-cannibalism
Bad humors
Late onset albinoism

Vaxadrine with Calcium

side effects:
It has a certain sedative effect
Spontaneous pregnancy
Increased risk of vampire attack

Vaxa-Smacks – It’s the first cereal guaranteed to shrink your prostate. Or, if you’re a lady, grow ya one.

side effects:
Dry mouth
Hairy Uvula
Speaking in toungues

Vaxa-Smacks is not for people who have, may have, or have decided not to have children

Vaxa-Dream – Kissing someone who brushes with Vaxa-Dream is like making out with the cleaning crew at a steak house

side effects:
Spontaneous and uncontrollable gum growth

Vaxadril – Curbs your appetite by causing short-term blindness

side effects:
Increased appetite
Permanent blindness

1 comment:

Deborah-Miriam said...

Hilarious! Thanks for bringing this truly comic bit of writing to my attention. (hairy uvula?!)

Blog Archive