Always Opt For "Manic"

I've had a challenging couple of weeks. SIGA, my beloved (and super-slowly unfolding) biotech investment has plummeted to under $8, for reasons described here. My paper losses are off the hook, though I'm as hopeful about the long term prospects as ever. And I  learned owning one's own home means either 1.watering plants, or 2. seeing plants die. I hadn't factored that in, and so I've unexpectedly found myself a resentful slave to hoses and sprinklers. And I lost the smart keycard for my car (no fancy ride, just a regular old Mazda), and the dealer wanted $800 - not a typo! - to replace it. I spent weeks unable to drive it, while ransacking my place in futile effort to find the damned thing. I developed, weirdly suddenly, "old guy" eyes; all of a sudden I can't read without removing my glasses. And, the heat wave knocked me, like many people, into a semi-fugue state. Lastly, there was friction with a couple of the folks managing my old web site; perhaps the final chapter of an old woeful saga many of you have been following along.

I don't reset swiftly. As negatives aggregate, I feel more and more weighed down. Add in a few errant everyday slings and arrows, and my usual reaction is to pull inward - to hunker down for a day or two, until, bored and restless, I zestfully return to the outer world.

This time, I tried something new. Instead of shutting down, I opened the throttle and went all "Martha Stewart". I tore fiercely through my long-stalled to-do list. In about eight hours, I snaked through DMV, resolved an insurance issue, trimmed an enormous hedge, took my car for a tune-up, had a business meeting, tracked down and bought a lead sash weight (discovering three very promising Dominican luncheonettes en route), sent a few dozen emails, walked a couple miles, watered those goddam plants, and helped a stranger work out the (actually quite sensible) root of his obsession with UFO's.*

I blasted through it all with great manic brio, but also quite a bit of agitation. I can't say it was a pleasant day, but a manic day of jittery mega accomplishment certainly leaves one feeling much better than a depressed day of numb retraction.

Loch Kelly, a brilliant teacher of an esoteric school of Buddhism called Dzogchen, says that the world is so crazy-making that sanity's really not an option. One can either be goaded up into anxiety, or else numbed down into depression. The third option, pursued by a nerdy few, is to drop into clarity. On a good day, I can manage some clarity. But on bad days, when I get caught up in it all, I'm starting to suspect that anxiety may be the better option.



* - and wrote this breathless Slog entry.