A Nice House With a Good Vibe

I've said this again and again to realtors: I like homes that are nice and have a nice vibe and where everything works, but I don't like grandiosity.

They stand, befuddled, doing the mental calculus. "Ok. 'Nice' means expensive. Good, I can push him high. 'Vibe': fine, hippy, whatever. But 'grandiosity'? So I guess he doesn't want, like, ivory counters with gold leaf inlays? WTF?"

It's like shouting into the wind. No one can hear me.

Real estate is bifurcated. At the low end are shitty boxy little cheesy options with no build quality or aesthetic consideration, where maybe two outlets work right. That's the first 25 years of my adult life. If you can pay more, congrats, you arrive to a poofy life of granite countertops and Sergio Pilaxi appliances (I made it up) and terribly dramatic halogen track lighting and general striking impressiveness. If you can afford them, why would you eschew general striking impressiveness?

Me, I don't want to impress anyone, just in general. And I certainly don't want to impress anyone in the place where I live. That said, I'm a product of middle class suburbia, so curling linoleum and water damage and moldy-smelling basements skeeve me out. I can live happily without a dishwasher, but I do acknowledge the value.

I like nice places where everything works and there's a good vibe. Just no magnificence. No "presentation". Nothing "impressive". Nothing to announce to visitors that I am A MAN OF FRIGGIN' SUBSTANCE. I don't want visitors to say "Wow!", I want them to feel cozy. Here's what I want my home, insofar as it sends a message, to communicate: "Yup, this room is really fun to hang out in, and that couch is even more comfy than you think!"

I can't explain this to anyone. It's all just crazy talk. No one out there imagines/acknowledges they're trying to impress anyone. They just want a STRIKING PRESENTATION, right out of an architecture magazine! And, you know, those sconces are DIVINE!

After getting lost in various web tunnels, I chanced upon the 9-year old listing for saxophonist David Sanborn's apartment. And I almost cried. Because this was the perfect example. THIS IS WHAT I MEAN!!!!!

Remember, this is a $12 million (with an "m"!!) apartment, and even at that dizzying price level, there's no grandiosity. It makes no "statements", and is not trying to impress. Yet anyone with a soul would kill to live there, because it's nice and has a nice vibe.

Those aren't empty, placeholder words. It's not hippy stuff.

What I'm describing - though phenomenally orthogonal to the way anyone thinks about homes these days - is a real thing.

Exceedingly rare, but real. And finally I have an archetype I can point to.

I'm not saying this is my ideal home. That's not my point. I could live in a house that looks very different from this...if it were nice and had a nice vibe and weren't trying to impress.

I can hear a broker's reply: "I'd hardly describe that magnificent living room ceiling as unimpressive!"

Sigh. The ceiling is super-NICE, for sure! But there's nothing status-seeking about that living room. It does not compel consideration of the magnificence of its owner. It's a living room to get down to living in. It's just NICE. And has a GOOD VIBE.

I despair of explaining. It's like trying to convince a TV executive that we're all loving Succession because it's GOOD, not because audiences are yearning for tragicomic high-production-value premium cable shows about devious rich people. Don't give me shows that superficially resemble Succession. Give me shows as GOOD as Succession!

"'Good', huh? Ok, hippy, whatever..."