Replying on a Curve

When a selfish person offers a trifle, your debt will be immense.

Selfish recipients get it. Duly surprised by generosity, they make a hero of the giver. But generous recipients often miss the rarity of the gesture. The offering of a potato chip may require celebration. A selfish giver requires praise and stroking, like a puppy who shits in the appointed box.

Generous givers and recipients can recognize each other, so the transaction is casual and easy. And well-matched selfish people smoothly play out their game theory, maneuvering past issues of intent, and ultimately agree to treat generosity as an inexplicable fluke.

The problem is with mismatches. When a generous person gives (nonchalantly) to a selfish person, primal suspicions are aroused, and it can get nasty. But it's worse when the selfish give to the generous. Failure to duly celebrate, praise, and stroke makes it all seem for naught. Gut-wrenching!

Always assess your donor! Calculate how lavishly they need to be patronized!


A friend once sent me a jokey email where he'd satirized some news item by turning it into a fairy tale or limerick or whatever. It was clumsy, and I was busy, but I shot back "Ha!" Weeks later, he informed me how many hours he'd invested in the effort, and how stricken he'd been at my monosyllabic reply.

I take people at their word that they don't like to be patronized. And feelings of superiority don’t come easily to me, anyway. So it never occurred to me to assess my friend's primitive writing skills and grade him on a curve, graciously reporting that I'd laughed and laughed at his fabulous, wonderful email.

People actually love to be patronized. They eat it right up. In fact, it's often impolite not to! So the next time someone offers...anything, remember to judge them first. Size them up! Then, if appropriate, respond as if they'd presented you with their live, beating heart. If you get it wrong, and stroke unnecessarily, they'll just figure you're weird. But if you fail the other way, and don't reply on a curve, things can turn out very badly.