A Declaration of War on Russia

The Europeans are stepping up, thank goodness (per my fervant prayer two weeks ago). The heads of state of Europe and Canada have gathered en masse in Kiev, a powerful gesture, but they need to go further faster. They must get ahead of the conflict, not merely catch up. My suggestion:

A Declaration of War on Russia
by The Nations of Europe (sans Hungary and Belarus) and Canada

Dear Mr. Putin

For three years we have watched in horror as you've attempted to exterminate your neighbor, raping its women and kidnapping its children. You've targeted the old, the sick, and the children in the most blatant, ambitious, and persistent series of war crimes since the Third Reich.

We recognize that you won't stop at Ukraine. You've revealed your thirst to cast a new Iron Curtain over our continent, re-enslaving Moldavia, Poland, Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, etc. This is unacceptable in 21st century Europe. You are a frightful relic, and we are determined to cast you into dusty obsolescence alongside other shamed remnants of humanity's barbaric adolescence.

The last time we were forced to repel a deluded madman, we fought an enemy with a seemingly inexorable thrust of momentum. Not so this time. Those Russians you've not yet blithely sent into slaughter are in no way swept up by your mania. This is all just you, an old, weak, demonic ghoul with an economy in shambles, entirely motivated by the desperation to avoid the fate of vanquished dictators. This isn't like last time. This is the baby version. Tricycles, not blitzkriegs. Our spines are straight, but our fear is minimal.

You will rattle your nuclear saber. We will not do likewise, as terror is your brand, not ours. But know that we've poised our thumbs above the launch buttons.

You will hack us. We will hack you back, and if you annoy us sufficiently, we will put boots on the ground in Ukraine and in the glorious new Ukrainian province of Kursk.

We will sink your spy/sabotage ships on sight and aggressively thwart your black fleet of sanctions evaders. We will blockade you, transfer your frozen assets to Ukraine, and invest our substantial wealth and energies to supporting, and, if necessary, fighting alongside, our brave Ukrainian allies, whom we welcome into EU and NATO.

We and our countrymen love Russia, the sons and daughters of Tchaikovsky and Tolstoy. We love the Russian people and look forward welcoming them into peace, wealth, and security once we've defeated the trillionaire kleptocrat who's impoverished and slaughtered them.

We'd like to highlight the participation of your formerly neutral neighbors Sweden and Finland, whom you've stupidly pushed into NATO's arms. As you shrink, NATO has grown. Your misadventure will soon cease, your regime will crumble, and your personal wealth will be returned to the people from whom you stole it (by our calculation, it translates to $7000 per Russian citizen).

Goodbye, Mr. Putin. And hello, free and peaceful Europe and Eurasia.