Processing Processing

It doesn't take much to recognize the prevalent and damaging habit of obsessing over what's missing, what didn't happen and who's not here. Reframing is effortless and instant, so effortful lingering often constitutes malingering.

"But people need to process! If we don't mentally work through such dilemmas, we'll be skewed going forward, and suppressed emotions may arise at inconvenient moments!"

Well, sure! You should certainly take a moment.

I'm no fan of suppression. I recently wrote "Watch out for Vulcans", noting that "those who fashion themselves evolved beyond emotion are actually emotionally stunted." Emotions must be given a chance to express — to avoid bottling, and also to develop equanimity. The sidestepping of grief, pain, and disappointment doesn't represent composure; it represents the operation of a perilous pressure cooker.

But most of us go way too far the other way. Pop psychotherapy has fostered the notion that processing must continue until we’re okay with it — okay with the death of a loved one, or with the fire that destroyed all our belongings. We fervently and endlessly replay the mental tape until it pops out a different, better result, or until we're okay with it.

Neither is realistic. So, in 21st century America, nearly everyone seems trapped in an infinite processing loop. This explains the widespread stress, self-absorption, and depression seen in a society of unprecedentedly safe, comfortable people — people struggling to process iotas of lingering pain and disappointment which rudely defy their sense of entitlement.

Processing is necessary, but fraught obsession won't make you okay with it. The infinite loop offers only two off-ramps: boredom (the mind tires of the looping) and self-awareness (a shocked recognition of the absurdity).

Perhaps the above felt vague. I haven't offered a crisp flow chart for handling grief, pain, and disappointment. But there is no clear line. We must figure it out — process it — as we go. "Processing" requires processing! 

However, it's not a particularly sticky wicket. Let out the steam, and let light venting suffice. The "feeling okay" part can take care of itself, over time.


See "Grief Survival Kit".

Also: reframing too smoothly/instantly/effortlessly confuses onlookers. They, too, need to process!