The Value of Rapport

There's a guy I met online years ago who is a brilliant programmer and a joy to work with. The harder the problem, the more he likes it. If he wasn't so busy with his day job, I'd make up projects just to prod him into action and watch him overcome adversity.

Over the years, he's quietly helped me with a number of endeavors, always refusing compensation. Most recently, he worked on my smart phone app, "Eat Everywhere", and, per usual, he saved the day with some clever, elegant tech that did the equivalent of building a stable bridge between a mountain peak in Peru and one on Alpha Centauri. He handled the sprawling, deal-killing technical nightmare like folding a napkin.

I told him I had a cool apartment in a great town in Portugal, and invited him and his family to take over the place for a week or two, since I hardly need an excuse to travel (I moved here in part for €50 round trip flights to Milan, Budapest, Berlin, etc.). I left him, naturally, copious food tips, and overlapped for a couple days to show him my haunts and secret treasures. I also left him my bank card, because foreign credit cards often don't work here. I told him he could Paypal me when the bill comes in.

To my surprise, he was flabbergasted by my "generosity", since we'd never actually met. And I've been struggling to make sense of this. Was I missing something here?

If someone clearly demonstrates kindness, brilliance, and solid dependability, is that mere trivia compared to the vivid in-person evidence of personal style and presentation? If he'd had a pimple on his nose, would that have lowered his stock?

I get that rapport matters. But when competent, kind people recognize each other, that's a deeper rapport. Working eagerly and selflessly to build cool stuff without ego or acrimony. How does that compare with the shallow rapport of being fun to hang out with? I don't hand my apartment and ATM card over to lively conversationalists. It's a fine trait, but it doesn't stoke trust.

Social rapport—as every con man knows—can easily be faked. Tell someone they're awesome, and they'll open their hearts and their lives. This planet is a psychopath's delight; fakery gets bought, hook, line, and sinker.

Someone who contributes meaningfully to your life, is never unkind, and asks nothing in return? That's the good guy! Such qualities are not fakeable (at least not over the long run), so that's who you trust, no?

Well, it makes sense to me. While I enjoy a lively hang—and admire dermatological savoir faire—such factors strike me as a very poor basis for establishing trust or extending generosity. But I'm apparently in an extreme minority. And as I mull it over, lots of mysterious weirdness here on planet Earth suddenly makes sense.