I have one burning desire for myself and for the world: for things to get better. For pain to be relieved, for happiness to increase, for delusion to drop, for ever more opening and ever less contraction. For subway riders to smile more. For the owners of Danbury's Kabab Grill to attract the clientele they deserve. For my feet to stop aching. For you to fully grok what I'm straining to express in this article. In all these things, and more, I ache for change. I want the future to be better!
Show me where I'm going wrong - with anything! - and you'll have my gratitude. Tell me my favorite restaurants are second-rate, and I'll hyperventilate waiting for you to reveal your superior ones! Point out my false assumptions so I can get through my day more efficiently and enjoyably, with less self-defeat and more sanity. Above all, remind me, constantly, that my happiness level in any given moment (regardless of how negative circumstances may appear to be) is entirely my own choice.
Doesn't everyone want all these things? Isn't this what we're all working toward? Don't we all want it to get better?
No. After a half century of close observation, I've seen that most people want the exact opposite. What they truly want - even if they insist otherwise! - is to be reassured that exactly what they're doing and thinking is right on the money...even as they live lives rife with pain, longing, and disappointment. They're so in love with their problems that they'll defend them with fierce tenacity. The only thing people detest more than their own lives is the prospect of changing their lives. They don't just lack clarity, they actively eschew it (Leff's Law applies internally, too!)
One can, on rare occasions, help someone fix a problem. But the only safe route is to cajole and flatter (as if coaxing them to do you a favor), offering constant reassurance that their previous approach was absolutely smart, and requires only very minor tweaking. People only accept change, in other words, if it's tarted up to look like the same old stagnation.
But here's the thing. If change is the worst conceivable thing, then anyone hellbent on change is the enemy. For those in love with their problems, problem-solvers are the enemy.
This, at last, explains the friction.
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13 comments:
Hey Jim Leff I've been reading your slog and I might be able to help you solve one of your problems *quick ducks*. You say your feet have been hurting. I've been talking to this guy about raw foods a lot and he says Arthritis isn't what people think it is, Arnold Kauffman.
Arthritis as define by the medical community is something severe. Arnold says lots of people have Arthritis at an increasingly young age. Arthritis according to Kauffman a mild pain and inflammation caused by the accumulation of toxins. Eat more raw fruits and greens (kale,collars, lettuce, dandelions etc) and the problem should go away.
I know I've eaten more raw fruit and greens and I had some stiffness on the ball of my feet in the middle of the night. Now the pain and stiffness is very rare and less severe. This isn't the greatest video, but he has a lot more:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIRU876VcgI&feature=results_main&playnext=1&list=PLFD854EA18B906B3A
JarJarBinks
Jar Jar, even if you don't have arthritis, I think it's smart to mix things up and eat a combo of cooked and raw foods. Each has its benefits. I myself overbalance toward cooked foods, though I've been trying to wean myself from the habit.
But my foot problems are more structural. Basically, the two hours of daily yoga asana I was doing in the Chowhound latter days - and during my recovery therefrom - were done with an excessive foot action. The move I was doing was appropriate, but I massively overdid it, and managed to deform my feet. I've now got to spend a few years exploring yogic routes to repair that damage. And so it goes....
Green Superfeet
http://www.superfeet.com/products/Green.aspx
They hurt the first few days but once your feet have adjusted you'll never want to do without.
Thanks, Guy.
I guess the Slog will now be a search magnet for something besides "smuggling cuban cigars" (the search phrase bringing most people here): foot pain!
Yah sometimes in order to get someone to make a change for the better, you also somehow need to make it seem like it was THEIR idea to do so.
Also it doesn't help that the world is full of well-meaning people (or not so well meaning) with bad advice on how to solve problems (lose weight! get out of debt! etc.) that a lot of problem-havers understandably have strong defenses up.
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"sometimes in order to get someone to make a change for the better, you also somehow need to make it seem like it was THEIR idea to do so."
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Yep. As I said, "cajole and flatter".
It seems daft that you must behave as if you're the one asking the favor. But most people recognize this (a lot better than I have). The consensus seem to be that helping is better not done at all; but, if you're going to attempt it, you'd best go in with your hazmat suit on, bowing and scraping, angling for attention and begging for mercy.
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"Also it doesn't help that the world is full of well-meaning people (or not so well meaning) with bad advice on how to solve problems (lose weight! get out of debt! etc.) that a lot of problem-havers understandably have strong defenses up."
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Now you're onto something! Yes, it's like vying for attention and for credulity in a noisy and tumultuous market.
The Zen teacher Adyashanti says that while many inner voices nag us loudly to do this or that, our true intuition speaks softly...and never repeats itself.
I've found that to be true. But it's also true externally. The truth - e.g. real solutions - is generally the calm, quiet stuff. And it is, therefore, very often missed. And that's just the way it's got to be.
I'm learning to accept this. Of course, it's a lot harder when the stakes raise.
Your post is the theme of Checkhov's Uncle Vanya, as important a work of literature as The Iceman Cometh, but not referenced as much. If you've never seen it on stage, go ahead and rent the movie Vanya on 42nd St.
Checkhov called his work a comedy, by the way, and it's important to realize that, though it's not funny, its sly irony has Vanya vigorously defending his life on the farm although it makes him miserable.
I've seen many productions of Uncle Vanya, and share your esteem for Gregory's film version.
Not sure how well it tracks with my sentiment, however. My hope isn't to see lives better spent, because I don't see any given form of human activity superior to any other. As a jazz musician, I believe you simply work whatever you're handed.
So I chuckle at smug European intellectuals who feel certain they've sussed out the richest, deepest way to live. They're just chasing their tails (though tail-chasing is as worthwhile as anything else).
No, I'm talking about helping at a more basic level: relieving pain and getting from point A to point B. I don't judge the aims, much less believe mine superior.
Is it our job to get people from point A to point B. I find most people want sympathy and compassion for their problems, not necessarily answers.
I now give less advice.
If someone isn't constructively trying to solve the problem I might say maybe you need to try something else. Or I'm sure you'll figure out what to do.
But if the person is working hard and having a rough time, I give sympathy and compassion.
How do we know our solutions are the right ones for someone?
I have been going through a hard time on multiple issues and have received lots of advice. 80% is not useful. And I probably tried 50% because I'm impressionable. Yes, maybe I have a blind eye but I need to find my own approach. My own approach has ended up being letting go of many things on many levels. My problems started improving when I changed my mind not necessarily doing.
Great comment, Marie!
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"most people want sympathy and compassion for their problems, not necessarily answers."
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Yes, absolutely. But here's the thing. Even if you offer a ridiculously obviously effective solution (e.g. my friend with the muscle tears), as they ignore - or get indignant - their desire for sympathy actually strengthens. If you observe carefully, what they're saying is "Don't fix this, love me for this!". You're actually harming them twice; by threatening to destroy a problem they cherish, and then by not stroking them for presenting their cherished problem.
You may be liquidating your bank account, running yourself ragged, jumping up and down with zeal about how freaking easy the solution's going to be, demonstrating love and sympathy beyond call of duty, but if you're not giving them what they want, you'll seem a cold-hearted bastard ('cuz you're battling the problem they believe makes them lovable) and a pushy control freak ('cuz you're pushing change).
The point of my entry was this part: "But here's the thing. If change is the worst conceivable thing, then anyone hellbent on change is the enemy. For those in love with their problems, problem-solvers are the enemy.:). The fact that people reject help and fall in love with their problems is no new observation (though I'm not sure people realize how engrained the problem is). But the aggregate friction encountered over a lifetime of trying to be of service is monstrous. I finally see why: the enemy of your problems is your enemy (if you identify with your problems!)'
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"How do we know our solutions are the right ones for someone? "
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Great point. We all know people who spew advice re: what everyone needs to do to straighten up and fly right. And just as control freaks ironically tend to be hilariously incompetent, these people tend to offer trite, glib, or even plain stupid advice.
And even reasonably smart, capable people should probably keep their mouths shut. Because even AWESOME advice, from the sweet spot of expert knowledge, is likely to be ignored, cause friction, and generally lead to no good. So unless what you have to offer is that good, there's no point!
I filter very carefully, only offering help when a solution is extremely clear to me from personal experience, in realms where I know a lot. Really, I'm a big "Idunno!" guy...a nearly blank sheet in most realms and unashamed to admit it (lots of people consider me a complete goofball, because I don't pose as smart in the many realms where I'm dumb!). But some stuff I do know....and, being nearly 50, I have long enough experience to observe that when I've filtered myself carefully, those who've taken my suggestions have been glad they did. I could tell you stories - but they don't make me feel proud; just dismayed that I can't be of greater service.
Continued in next comment!
continuing from previous comment.....
Your point on advice fatigue is true. When I was younger, I'd try to blast through the noise of bad advice and offer mine louder. I've learned now to say it quietly and say it once...period. And then to detach from the result. People will accept the suggestion or they won't. If not, I don't get exasperated (even if the stakes are high).
But here's the problem I'm working on right now: along with that detachment - that "unhooking" from caring about how things go, I find myself (to my distress) unhooking, emotionally, from the person, generally. I haven't figured out how to selectively unhook. I'm still perfectly friendly with the guy with the muscle tears, but I've never felt as close friends with him. Which is weird because I like him as much as ever, and I certainly never held it against him for not hearing my solution (I do understand all the reasons people block stuff out...and see that I do so, as well!). So, I'm unhooking wrong somehow. It's alarming. I'm working on it.
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"maybe I have a blind eye but I need to find my own approach."
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You're (fully) discovering your own creativity! Necessity is indeed the mother of invention!
And that's the final strand in my dilemma! Really creative people never take much in. Creativity is like a bunch of arrows pointing outward. Stuff is being generated and expressed all the time, and inbound channels atrophy. Tell a creative person something, and some idle word or phrase will spur them into an internal reverie....and hatches will be sealed! So, again, not much can get in.
That's why it's hardest of all to help a creative person. Your input literally rubs them the wrong way!
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My own approach has ended up being letting go of many things on many levels. My problems started improving when I changed my mind not necessarily doing."
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Ding ding ding! Congratulations! You made it out of the maze!
Seriously, that's wonderful stuff, and I can tell you're not just parroting wisdom read. It's natural, and beginning to bake in. Beautiful.
But something to try: can you let go of everything instead of "many things"? Unclench literally everywhere you've always been holding on for dear life? You won't fall, you'll float comfortably! You can let go of it all, and (as you're starting to see) "lose" nothing!
Similarly, great observation on less "doing". May I introduce an alternative? "Letting"! Also, remove the modifier "not necessarily doing", and try making all "doing" more of a "letting". Again, nothing will be lost. Actually, "letting" gets more done. In Genesis, God doesn't go, like, "OK: now I create ***LIGHT***!!!" Instead, it's that extraordinarily curious construction: "Let there be light!" I mean....who's he talking to?!?
If God, the ultimate creative power, can create the entire universe (literally or metaphorically, take your pick) via a "letting", there's no limit to what we can achieve with that little flip of perspective. Most people are afraid to try. But when they do, even an iota, some bliss is felt. A cookie of positive reinforcement. As with eating, drinking, sleeping, and reproducing, this seems to be something we're innately encouraged to do.
Woops, here I'm trying to help again ;)
"The only thing people detest more than their own lives is the prospect of changing their lives."
That is the Checkhovian sentiment I was referring to.
Re; This comment:
But here's the problem I'm working on right now: along with that detachment - that "unhooking" from caring about how things go, I find myself (to my distress) unhooking, emotionally, from the person, generally. I haven't figured out how to selectively unhook. I'm still perfectly friendly with the guy with the muscle tears, but I've never felt as close friends with him. Which is weird because I like him as much as ever, and I certainly never held it against him for not hearing my solution (I do understand all the reasons people block stuff out...and see that I do so, as well!). So, I'm unhooking wrong somehow. It's alarming. I'm working on it.
As one with the problems, for the people near me, I have found they are being inordinately patient with me. They haven't seemed to back away emotionally as long as I don't back away. So the one with the problem has a part to play in this. But I have found my friends let me vent, give me a little encouragement around my problem, and then move on, that I am more than my problems.
But maybe it's believing the person is more than their problems to bring one back emotionally into the relationship.
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