Wednesday, March 10, 2021

Gate Hookers

Business Plan Abstract:

Only a slim fraction of returning travelers are greeted at airports. The rest have a mild feeling of inadequacy; of missing out. There's minor resentment at those who are made a fuss over. And this resentment compounds over the years, implanting a mounting sense of deprivation as, trip after trip, one is greeted by complete silence as others are eagerly welcomed.

Gate hookers would be mildly attractive, but mostly just exuberant, professionals who wait for you in the arrivals area, grinning maniacally, waving, and generally expressing delight at your return. For a small extra fee, they could hoist personalized "Welcome Home, _____!" placards (white boards, for easy reuse).

After the ecstatic reception, they'd walk you out to your car (or taxi), asking about your trip. Finally, after reiterating how truly glad they are that you're back home safe and sound, they'd return to terminal to await the next client.

Alternative: limosine guy, with full uniform and commanding presence, holds your name prominently etched on his terribly professional clipboard. British accent: "Nice to see you again, sir, right over here, sir, may I take your bag, sir?" He deposits the bag in your car or taxi and returns to terminal to await his next client.

The counterintuitive - and extra lucrative - element is that none of this has to be deceptive. You needn't pretend that this is YOUR family or YOUR driver. Nah, these are just your gate hookers. There's no stigma (no sex, etc.), so there's no reason this couldn't be an accepted traveler's norm. What kind of dweeb returns home without hiring a gate hooker or two?

Everyone enjoys being greeted upon arrival. Consider the ladies who put leis around your neck when you get to Hawaii (do they still do that?). These are complete strangers, yet everyone just loves it.

And the service could be priced super-affordably. In the future, no one will go un-greeted! Since each encounter would require only a few moments of work, a skilled gate hooker could squeeze in dozens of clients per day. $20 should easily do it, making it easy to hire multiple gate hookers for extra conviviality. Businessmen and other frequent travelers would develop chummy familiarity with their gate hooker, making the experience that much more satisfying.

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